The Feast of St. Valentine

So, I’ll confess:  I don’t have a great deal of experience with Valentine’s day.  I was the fat kid who got better marks than everyone else, so you can picture how popular that made me in high school.

(Hey, don’t knock it, though:  It forced me to grow a personality so robust that, despite the fact that I’m 20 kilos overweight and collect Star Wars Lego, I still married a woman who looks like this:

Now, before the sarcastic comments start:

-  Yes, this really is my wife, I didn’t poach a photo off the internet.

-  Yes, she has working eyes.

-  No, I didn’t have to take her grandmother hostage to get a date with her.

-  Yes, we’ve had consensual sex, I have a 22-month-old son to prove it)

Despite being excluded from the hormonal rat race until I was in university, I really am a romantic at heart – There’s a famous saying:  Scratch the surface of any cynic and you’ll find a romantic.  Thus, I think pointless holidays like this one are awesome.  With this in mind, I thought I would brighten up your Valentine’s with some awesome quotes about love, starting with some more conventional ones and then moving towards the more esoteric:

 “Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.” – Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians in a little book you may have heard of called the Bible.

“All you need is love (Bah-badabada)” – John Lennon, lead singer from a little band you may have heard of called The Beatles.

“Three things will last forever – Faith, Hope and Love – And the greatest amongst these is Love.” – More magical words to the Corinthians by Paul.

“Remember this, ya albi:  Love everybody, but respect only those who deserve it.” – Richard Ghobril, legendary blue-collar philosopher who also happens to be my father.  (“Ya albi” is a Lebanese term of affection which means “My heart”)

“Love them all, but marry only one.” – Anthony Risk, butcher, bookmaker and ladies’ man, who also happens to be my late grandfather.

“There are four questions of value in life:  What is sacred?  Of what is the spirit made?  What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for?  The answer to each is the same.  Only love.” – Surprisingly deep words from the man who brought the part of Captain Jack Sparrow to life, Johnny Depp.

“I love you all, I love you more than life itself, but you’re all f***in’ mad!” – Ozzy Osbourne, legendary heavy metal frontman and reality TV dad.

“You’ve been married 25 years??  You realize that if you had murdered her on your wedding night, they would have set you free by now?” – Legendary World Wrestling Federation manager and commentator Bobby “The Brain” Heenan.

“Let me tell you about love:  Love DISAPPEARS, baby!  Every time I’ve been broke, babe has been off like a prom dress!” – The World’s Worst Mime, a small character in director Cameron Crowe’s ode to early-90’s Seattle, Singles.

“Nope.  Don’t celebrate it.  Don’t know who St. Valentine was, don’t give a sh*t, and I don’t think he’d want people screwing in his memory, either” – Sam Halpern, the titular dad from the internet series Sh*t My Dad Says.

Words to live by, ladies and gents.  Hope your Valentine’s kicks much ass, and is exactly as romantic as you want it to be.