Tubing for Single Tracks: The Movie as an Album

YouTube is a fantastic site.  Not only is it more addictive than bacon salt, but you are secure in the knowledge that there is some other lunatic who is just as obsessed with terrible movies like From Justin To Kelly as you are.   I remember once showing my then 62-year-old technologically illiterate mother how to find a Susan Boyle video on the venerable ‘Tube.  I did so with almost guilty trepidation, as I knew the discovery that having basically every video clip you can think of on tap will change your life, and not necessarily in a good way.

The other wonderful thing about YouTube is that it has taught us a fundamental truth about modern movies and mankind in general:  Nobody cares about whole movies anymore.  Usually, people these days are fascinated with a movie because of one or two key scenes that crop up in and amongst a whole bunch of filler.  Effectively, in this quick-fix age of breakfast sandwiches and fast-acting painkillers, we are no longer concerned with the overall effect of an entire movie – Like the slow build to a dramatic crescendo in Citizen Kane or Psycho – but with two or three quick, easily digestible nuggets that make us remember the whole as delightful.  Yes, there are the weirdos like my wonderful wife who will watch a whole movie just to experience all of it.  But most of the rest of the population are not willing to commit more of their termite-like attention span than necessary to anything that doesn’t involve making money. 

(Huge Aside:  If I may, a horrible pop culture analogy:  In professional wrestling – And here  I must apologize again for liking this sport so much – When a big, dramatic moment occurs, it is referred to as a “spot”.  The Undertaker landing a chokeslam is a spot.  Rey Mysterio jumping off the top of a steel cage is a “high spot”, due to the height and danger involved.  Fair-weather wrestling fans (That is, most modern wrestling fans) live for spots, as it’s these awesome, memorable and easy-to-digest bits of action that provide all the spectacle we tune into the program for without the all the tedious “storyline” and “ring psychology” that is craved by fans from days gone.  This has spawned a whole new genre of pro wrestler, the so-called “spot monkey”, a performer who just strings together a series of high spots regardless of how they advance the in-ring story, even if they don’t make sense at all.  Examples of this kind of wrestler would be guys like Jeff Hardy and Mr. Mysterio himself.  They do this because they know that this is what people like, and it will get the crowd cheering.  And it is my contention that most mainstream movies are now the same, stringing together scenes of fantastic spectacle with little care as to how the whole thing fits together.  End of Huge Aside)

In my opinion, people in general remember a few types of cinematographic moments:

1)      Cool, improbable action sequences

2)      Sudden or unexpected scary shit

3)      Extreme gross-out moments

4)      Left-field comedic moments

5)      Celebrity T&A (DISCLAIMER:  I cannot link to any moment of this particular type, for reasons that should be obvious.  Just in case they’re not:  YouTube doesn’t show nudity, and I don’t want to link you to the type of site that does, for decency-based reasons and for not-getting fired/not-getting-divorced based reasons)

Thus, we have Hollywood generously complying by serving up movies that are just steaming piles of one of the above, over and over, or movies that are some sort of conglomerate of more than one of them, or movies that turn entirely on one such moment that is of particularly dramatic magnitude.  Examples include:  

1)      James Bond, as a franchise, is comprised entirely of Spot Monkey movies themselves comprised almost entirely of Type 1 (CIAS) moments, with a few horrible puns by Bond thrown in to break the monotony.

2)      Japanese-style horror like The Ring and The Grudge would not have done nearly the amount of business they did without a generous helping of Type 2 (SUSS) moments.

3)      The American Pie series is stuffed to the gills with Type 3 (EGOM) moments, with the occasional but memorable Type 5 (CTAA) thrown in.  (Note that the T&A featured, Miss Shannon Elizabeth, only became Celebrity T&A after appearing in this movie, a not-uncommon occurrence)

4)      Jim Carrey built his entire career on moments of the Type 4 (LFCM) variety, before forgetting how much money he made doing this and starring in The Truman Show.

5)      Does anyone remember anything about Swordfish other than the part where Halle Berry’s boobs make a completely unexpected appearance?  Me neither…  The same can be said of Monster’s Ball, where Billy Bob Thornton confused an entire generation of teenage boys by putting his and Miss Berry’s asses on the screen at the same time.  Both movies effectively did business on one strong Type 5 (CTAA) moment.

And, you know what?  That’s just fine with me.  One doesn’t feel like a medium-rare T-Bone for every meal, one occasionally feels like a whole shitload of fries covered in melted cheese.  Similarly, one doesn’t always want to watch movies that make one feel like one has learned something or become more emotionally enriched.  Sometimes, you just want to tune in for some cheap thrills and then leave to do something more worthwhile, like eat an Elvis sandwich.  Because, no matter what the cinephiles will tell you, movies are just not that important. 

So, the great and honoured ‘Tube has definitely helped me realize that modern mainstream movies are like old-school albums:  Every track is not necessarily memorable, but there are always those one or two songs that cause you to reserve a special place in your heart for the whole thing.  Some scenes act as “singles” for the whole movie, they’re they bits that attract and retain the attention of person experiencing it.  People will often disagree as to what the true singles on an album are, and that’s part of the fun.  Some albums are just loaded with singles, and they’re cooler to experience than others.  But sometimes, just sometimes, listening to “Let Me Entertain You” seven times in a row makes up for the embarrassment of having a Robbie Williams CD on your shelf.

With this analogy in mind, I would like to examine some movies as if they were albums.  But I am also out of word-count.  Join me next week and we’ll look at a few examples of movies that live up to my theory.

But, until then, seriously, try the Elvis sandwich.