Tubing for Single Tracks, Part Two: Electric Boogaloo

LAST WEEK ON FOMOING AT THE MOUTH:  Rodney introduced us to a new way of thinking around how movies are constructed.  Also, there were explosions and car chases and boobies and you should really read last week’s introduction to this week's entry by clicking here if you haven’t already read it.  (DISCLAIMER:  Explosions, car chases and boobies may only have occurred in the author’s mind)

The following are movies that I have found memorable almost entirely for the “single” scene/s, that is, the snippet that stands out and makes the rest of the film seem much more memorable simply by having been included.  I’m not saying these movies are bad – Certainly, some of them lack a certain amount of merit, but others would have been just as good without the scene – but I just think that if one were to cut the “single” scene out, one may not actually enjoy it as much as one did.  We’ll start off slowly and build our way up: 

(NOTE:  Back when music was still physically carved onto pieces of vinyl in order to facilitate sale to the general public, it was necessary practice for a band to include a “B-Side” so as not to waste any recording space on the flip side of the record.  Named a “B-Side” because it was literally Side B to the single’s Side A, B-Sides were usually songs that a band wouldn’t necessarily have included as part of a larger album, but they were still songs that the artist thought should receive exposure.  Because I am a traditionalist, for each single taken from a movie, I have included a B-Side)

Movie:  Can’t Hardly Wait

Scene Type:  Type 4 – Left-field comedic moment.

The “Single” Scene:  As part of the B-storyline, disenfranchised nerd William wants to take revenge on Mike, his jock arch-nemesis, on the occasion of their last huge class party before leaving high school.  A suitable plot is constructed to achieve this end, but in order to execute said plot, William must infiltrate the party and “blend in” by drinking.  Although he creates a pocket-sized chart to ensure that he never consumes too much alcohol to enact his revenge, he’s so loaded after his first beer that he can’t read it.  Thusly inebriated, he completely abandons his quest for vengeance and decides to just enjoy the party... 

At one point, the band that was supposed to play at the party disbands due to the infamous “creative differences".  A die-hard metal fan smells his opportunity, and uses the gap to educate the crowd on what he believes to be the best song in the world.  Recognizing the song from when he tutored a similar meathead, William makes his way to the stage and commences one of the best karaoke renditions of the song in history.

Comments:  Though we are never gifted with William’s version of the Axl Rose snake dance, the scene is still funny.  However, the moment where it transitions from merely giggle-worthy to truly LOL-worthy is after William is knocked to the ground by his first boob-related encounter, and then returns to a standing position in spectacular fashion.  It's at around 01:40 in the clip.

Interesting side note:  Charlie Korsmo, the actor who played William, is now a professor at a prestigious law school.  All together now:  Lawyers, huh.

“B-Side” Scene:  The part where love interest Amanda is trying to extract a description of protagonist Preston from a pair of cerebrally-impaired stoners still makes me giggle.  (Note the presence of an extremely young Jason “Marshall from How I Met Your Mother” Segel in the scene)

Movie:  Paranormal Activity

Scene Type:  Type 2 – Sudden or unexpected scary shit.

The “Single” Scene:  I don’t normally watch horror movies, as I am a sensitive soul (Read:  Gigantic wimp) who agonizes over their content and then can’t sleep for seemingly eons after watching a horror movie.  However, I snuck a peek at Paranormal Activity due to the unusual amount of hype around it at the time of its release, and though my wife claims it isn’t that scary, I found it to be a veritable Spot Monkey of Type 2 moments.

Anyway, there’s that part where they’re sleeping (Again) and Katie’s foot is innocently poking out from the covers and then OH FUCK FUCK FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHY THE FUCK DID I WATCH ANY OF THIS FUCKING MOVIE!!!!!

Comments:  No, seriously FUCK YOU FOR EXISTING, PARANORMAL ACTIVITY!!!!!!

Interesting side note:  I need a hug…

“B-Side” Scene:  The film-makers certainly exploited the trope of “scary stuff + female protagonist with sizable breasts = Box Office Gold”.  A direct quote from Internet sportswriter and one of my personal heroes, Bill “The Sports Guy” Simmons:  

“The movie proved something we already knew, but it's worth mentioning again … some guys will put up with almost anything if they are dating a girl with big breasts. Remember the early-in-the-movie scene when she climbs out of bed and watches her boyfriend sleep for two solid hours without moving? And then he watches that on videotape and thinks "Wow, this is weird" but doesn't run for the hills? He should have thrown his laptop and two nights' worth of clothes into a knapsack, told her he needed to get gas, got into his car and never seen her again. Good luck, Crazy Person Who Has a Demon Following Her And Watched Me Sleep for Two Hours Without Moving. Hope everything works out for you. I think I can find another girlfriend. But he didn't. There's a lesson here.”

Amen, brother.

Movie:  The Expendables

Scene Type:  Type 1 – Cool, improbable action sequence.

The “Single” Scene:  I love scenes in stupid action flicks where one of the main Bros gets revenge on a bad guy shithead – Usually for something done to the Bro’s woman – By beating him up in a really unnecessarily showy way.  I used to call this “Revenge Porn” until I found out that this term is already in use for something else on the internet.  (And please, please, please:  I urge you not to Google this term with Safe Search turned off…)  Now I call it “Revenge Ass-Whipping” because the acronym for that is RAW and that’s kinda cool.

In The Expendables – Subtitled:  We Got Together All Your Favourite Action Heroes to Hide the Fact That There Is Little of Substantial Merit in This Movie.  Seriously, Rather Go Do Your Homework, Kids – the RAW scene involves Jason Statham beating the hell out of an entire pick-up basketball game just because the afore-mentioned bad guy shithead plays point guard for one of the teams.  I can’t help but let out an involuntary, macho “YEAH!!!” when he’s done.

Comments:  I love the sheer number of times that Mr Statham tries and fails to emote in any way at all.  This is almost better than the fight itself.  Also, this movie features a move that was an action movie staple for years in the early 2000’s, the “kick the guy’s leg out from under him and send him sprawling” move.  (At around 01:20 in the clip)

Interesting side note:  Am I the only person who was completely baffled as to why Mickey Rourke was in this movie at all?

“B-Side” Scene:  Not in this movie, but in several others: 

Ray Liotta uses a revolver in a way God never intended in Goodfellas, Nicolas Cage does the same with an air-conditioning unit to a Stone Cold Steve Austin lookalike in Drive Angry, Liam Neeson exchanges fisticuffs with the whole of fucking Paris in Taken (Aside:  This movie is a veritable spot monkey of RAW moments, and someone was nice enough to do a greatest hits package.  It also includes the leg kick mentioned in the previous entry, at around 0:45 in the clip.  End Aside) and James Caan invents the RAW scene by using a garbage can in a way God never intended in The Godfather.  The scene from The Godfather is notable for having worse fight choreography than a schoolyard scuffle over a pack of bubblegum, but it still earns a macho “DOUBLE YEAH!!!”

Movie:  Road Trip

Scene Type:  Type 3 – Extreme Gross-Out Moment.

The “Single” Scene:  Seann William Scott has built an entire career out of being the cocky asshole who gets his come-uppance in some dramatically gross way.  He’s likely best known for the American Pie franchise, but, for my money, his best work was in Road Trip.

In this magnum opus, Seann William Scott plays Stifler...  I mean, E.L., who takes a cruise across America in order to help save his buddy Josh’s relationship by intercepting an incriminating videotape.  Predictably, the boys run out of money, and decide that donating sperm will be their financial salvation.  E.L. requests assistance from the not-unattractive nurse at the clinic, and receives significantly more than he bargained for. 

Comments:  PLEASE NOTE:  Of all the clips linked to in this piece, this is the most NSFW.  Turn the volume down and make sure your laptop is facing a wall if you like your current place of employment.

Interesting side note:  E.L.’s cries of “STOP!!  Okay, keeping doing it!!” (Around 0:33 in the clip) were a battle cry for me and my buddies at my university residence for years...

“B-Side” Scene:  Probably the scene featuring the innovative solution to the bridge having washed away (“We can make it!”).  But this movie is also a bit of a Spot Monkey, in terms of EGOM and LFCM.

And those are the ones I can think of off the top of my head.  Feel free to clue me in to your favourite single in the comments.

And thus, we are at an end.  Allow me to leave your company with this piece of movie-related advice:  Never watch clips of Paranormal Activity at 3 in the morning while wearing earphones.

Peace out.